one trick is to write in english
so that maybe i could forget this situation where I’m unable to act and trick myself with this new and famous language that almost everybody speaks
I never dreamed of anything when I was a kid other than to speak with an american accent with the american kids and to dance with grownups at my parents parties in the third world which was where we lived
so I only dreamed of improving the now, of being 10 forever and becoming excellent at being 10 and being an adult-not-adult
after that my dreams were less concrete; I came back to Denmark and into puberty and was told I was ugly and that I read too much. So I tried to read less and be less ugly and went to lots of shopping malls to buy new clothes and I tried to change in silence and I didn’t. Nobody changes in silence not me, not you. I hope you guys know more languages than I do. But I love the English language because it isn’t mine and because it is also mine and I feel more automatic when I speak it, like I’m sure many Danish people do when they speak it.
I was nominated for a prize today so thank you very much. I hope I win so that I won’t hate myself so much even though I fear I will hate myself as much but then I will have more money and can maybe make a smart choice with some of the money. and a situation will change so that I can exist for the people that I know as more than an exhausted little rodent. and we could do something. I have many friends that are sad like me and I read in a book the other day that in Chicago, the problem is, people are never sad at the same time.
But I do feel that very often we are all very sad at the same time and this is all very well but.
I really hate that happiness feels so much like a pump these days, pump pump. Like stupid gasoline and we are all stupid little cars . Even though I said before that automatic is good. Automatic is very interesting and impossible. we are all smart little cars who should relax .
I don’t expect to become a real person of course as I know that nobody is a real person. But I’m pretty sure I could be a little realer than this I mean only slightly . I feel like everyone should try to be realer than this only slightly